Light a Fire Under My Ass

Something I find really interesting about animals is their constant motivation. Yes, they don't have bills to pay, but when it comes to survival, they do anything and everything. It comes more easily to some animals than others, of course, but they always want to do whatever it is to live. Humans think they do, but movies like Saw are quick to point out that most humans only care about living when it is in immediate danger. Very basic actions like eating right and exercising just do not hold much importance for the average human, at least the average human in the United States. Even sedentary pets do what they can to jump around and stay agile, although being trapped indoors for years takes its toll on them at some point.

Where is it that humans go wrong? I know we learn behaviors from our parents and our environment and so forth, but honestly, how far does sheer laziness go back? Who was the first human that just did not want to get up and go to work, be it scanning items in a supermarket or clubbing a deer for food? I'd go on, but it's pretty clear where this is headed. Of course, I don't just have an outsider's interest. I think I suffer from a lack of motivation, ambition, and initiative.

I think I know where it may have started. When I was in grade school, I had a straight A average in school, was skinny, and liked to run outside and play. I was constantly recognized in school and by my parents for my achievements, and it was quite validating. Come high school, hours of studying (which I never had to do up to that point) paid off in a C grade, and I was very clearly not the best in my class anymore. I'm not sure if school was too easy beforehand, but I do know that as the challenge grew, I did not. Couple that with a rather horrific time coming out to my parents in the following year, and the recognition stopped completely.

I will not be petty and simply blame these things for my current situation. When it comes down to it, I clearly didn't feel motivated to work harder to achieve more (note that the coming out episode had little to do with achievement but just added more stress and broke initiative a lot). So here I am, more than 10 years later, and I'm overweight, out of shape, and underpaid at a job I really enjoy but does not utilize any of the skills I went to school for. This is not to say I'm not rewarded, but the rewards come for other things. I am rewarded with trophies when I play my PS3 games. I am rewarded with amazing taste when I eat tacos from Chipotle. I am rewarded with unwavering love from Francesco. As much as I love these things, in order to lead a completely fulfilling life, I need these rewards: a high salary appropriate for my age, a creative workspace, a healthy body, an organized lifestyle. Why I do not push myself completely befuddles me.

One of my favorite shows to watch on TV is The Biggest Loser. Here are people who have reached such a low point in their lives that they finally take it upon themselves to do something about it. Yes, there is a monetary reward on top of the life reward, but one must realize, these people are completely embarrassing themselves by putting it all out there. Until more than midway through, America is watching these people take off their shirt for the weigh-ins, revealing folds of fat, huge stretch-marks, and other unsightly features all in a disproportionately large body. These people are helping push lean turkey and filtered water while quite apparently not being poster children for such products - these are the people, after all, who we see in restaurants and think, "He shouldn't be eating anything at all!" And every week, these people cry, vomit, pass out, sweat, fall over, and lose their shit over a cupcake in the room, and the vast majority of them never see any money from the show, not the $250,000, the $100,000, nor other challenge prizes. Most reality shows are embarassing, but most of those contestants look good to the American public. I'm sure a poll would show that people would rather watch Snookie than Michael.

What does this all mean for me? I don't want to hit rock bottom. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of the nation. But these people are willing to do it because they know failure would only lead to more embarrassment. They basically have created a vicious cycle for themselves and upped the ante for achieving personal success in body and mind. I am currently not in a position to be embarrassed in such a manner, but do I want to get there? No. I stated that. So what's my problem? There are people who never get down and still manage to be motivated. My vomit rather than current contestant, hunch is that I need to feel, even taste, the rewards of living a good life, but since I'm not doing so now, and since it will involve hard work, I'm settling for smaller rewards to move me along.

It's not a way to live, but now it's all out there. So if I don't succeed, I'll suffer some modicum of embarrassment. For now, here are things for me to do in no particular order:

• Acquire Adobe Suite CS4 or CS5 somehow
• Reacquaint myself with Flash and learn ActionScript
• Redo my website entirely with the concept I've had for months now
• Buy, read, and learn HTML 5 as soon as O'Reilly releases their damn book
• Start regular exercise
• Join a gym or find a reasonably priced gym that I can afford
• Eat better
• Put myself on the graphic designer market again
• Find a good graphic design job
• Make money

And that's it.